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Does it make me a bitch to turn him down?

by Ria Desai

In the midst of last year’s prom frenzy, as I was pulling my car out of the parking lot and waiting in line to leave, one of my friends popped into my car for a chat. He was irate: “Have you heard about Alex?” Before I got the chance to respond, he was off on a rant about how two guys had asked her to prom and she had said no to both of them, which of course makes her a gigantic bitch. He quickly figured out he was ranting to the wrong person because I set him straight: just because Alex turned both guys down, it didn’t make her any less of a good person. He argued with me about how both guys made such a big effort for her, so she should have at least said yes to one of them.

“Did she say that she even wanted to go to prom in the first place?” I tersely asked. “Maybe she simply doesn’t feel like going. Either that or she was uncomfortable going with guys she probably doesn’t like. Exercising her right to say no doesn’t make her a giant bitch.” At that point I told him to get out my car, and less than subtly hinted that I myself chose not to go to prom with a date, so I guessed I was a raging bitch as well.

I’ve always thought that grandiose public proposals were icky unless the two people involved are dating. There’s a weird element of pressure placed on the girl to say yes if she’s asked in a really public way. Yes, the guy decides to plan a big romantic gesture and puts himself out there in front of everyone, but there shouldn’t be this assumption that his actions will guarantee him a date.

That kind of mentality is steeped in rape culture. Just because a guy tries, it doesn’t mean that he deserves a response. If a guy pays for your date, society dictates that you, at the least, owe him a goodnight kiss. If a random guy starts to chat you up on the subway, society dictates that you, as a female, are required to respond because ignoring him makes you a stone cold bitch. If a guy goes all out to ask you to prom, society dictates that you publically say yes. What everyone needs to realize is that girls “owe” nothing at all to men who “make the effort” or “put themselves out there.” Her decisions are her decisions alone.

Turning him down – or “friendzoning” him – shouldn’t be a big deal. She doesn’t reciprocate your feelings. So what? Friends are exactly that – platonic friends. The mere idea that a girl entered into a friendship just to be friends can’t be THAT foreign. I’ve “friendzoned” many a guy before, and I feel no remorse. End of story. I owe him no explanation.

In the case that the girl doesn’t want to go with the guy to prom, it takes a lot of courage on her part to turn him down in front of everyone. Not to mention that not all girls want to date guys – some girls are gay and would rather go to prom with other girls. Turning him down marks her as a “huge bitch,” a label she doesn’t deserve in any way. Yes, rejecting him will hurt his feelings, but doesn’t every girl deserve the chance to make the decision that she wants to make?

More often than not, the girl feels forced to say, “yes” because she doesn’t want to seem
This brings me back to a conversation I had last year in my Spanish class – I made the point that I thought public proposals, while cute for passing onlookers, place undue pressure on the person asked. A senior girl jumped in to say that she herself had been asked to homecoming earlier that year by a guy whom she barely knew. She had no idea he liked her and felt pressured by everyone watching to say yes. She later had to turn him down in private, which, due to the rumor mill, still had her labeled a “bitch.”

Our culture expects girls to be obliging and apologetic, even if we wants to act in our own best interest. Girls who choose to say no–to prom, to boys, or to anything else–should owe no explanation to anybody but themselves.

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5 Responses to “Does it make me a bitch to turn him down?”

  1. Aneve says:

    I have felt like shit for these last two days, because I turned down a guy who asked me to prom. He was really sweet – bought flowers and chocolate – and I was really flattered. At the time, the only regret I had was not saying more to him – I felt like I didn’t express my appreciation enough. I am socially awkward, so I didn’t think to speak with him later, and turn him down then – I just gave my gentle let down in public, which I later regretted for his sake. Later, I got called a bitch by random people, and all that. I just wanted to thank you, for what you said here. It made me feel better. It’s not wrong for me to want to go by myself or with my friends. It’s not. But I still feel very guilty, and I hope to speak with him in person and expound on my appreciation. I know that my guilt stems from the fact that he got pestered by other kids after. :(

  2. Lena says:

    I’m really worried because my best guy friend (who I do not like as more than just friends) has heavily hinted that this upcoming year he will be asking me to prom. It all started when I was complaining about how boring junior prom was because I had no date and my friends had ditched me for most of the night. He responded that he would’ve taken me if he hadn’t been out of town. Over past few months whenever the topic of prom comes up he assumes we’re going together (even though I point out that he never asked me; he assumes I mean I want a big ask). When he does the big ask (because I know he will) I can tell that everyone in my school is going to call me “a huge bitch” if I refuse. This is unfair; if anything, he’s being an ass for assuming I have an interest in him simply because we have been friends for so long, and that I should have to compensate his sacrifice in being just friends with romantic/sexual favors. I’m hoping to avoid this by finding another guy and asking him to prom, but the people at my school tend to look down on this too- girls who ask guys they aren’t dating to prom are considered “too forward” and “desperate”. Do these double standards never end?!??!

  3. Brittney says:

    Thank you so so much for this blog post! I was asked by someone a few days ago whom I barely knew. In all honesty, I thought he didn’t like me because he wasn’t the nicest to me. (I’m a junior and he’s a senior in high school so that’s kind of issue: you don’t be mean to girls that you like, this isn’t middle school) Also, his friend asked me for him. (what?!) I politely turned him down saying that I had another date (but I don’t and I know that wasn’t a good choice). I’ve been feeling so guilty since then for turning him down and this makes me feel sooo much better! I just don’t feel the same way and homecoming would just not be fun for the both of us. I know he deserves to have fun with someone he likes, but so do I.

    • Amy says:

      Hi Brittney, My daughter had a similar problem as you. One month before HC a boy, she had just met three weeks prior and had texted very little, had asked her to HC. She was too nice to say no but immediately afterwards said she really wanted to go with another boy. I told her she needed to be honest with him and tell him she couldn’t go with him. She was upset because she didn’t want to hurt his feelings but called him a few days later and told him she didn’t want to go with him because she only saw him as a friend. That next day a boy that she had know for a few years, and they had been texting heavily, asked her and she said yes. They are dating now but the dance isn’t until October and the first boy is “devastated”. He didn’t even know her that well! But like you said, (first) boy should go with someone who likes him too. Thanks for your response. :)

  4. David says:

    I asked a girl to a Homecoming dance and she said she “already had plans.” I later found out that another guy asked her and she said yes.

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