by Dee Putri

Recently, I watched Where the Wild Things Are. This is a children’s movie, but I really love it. You know that in children’s movies, there are always protagonists and antagonists that kids can tell apart easily. The protagonist is the kind person who smiles a lot, helps a lot, and is too kind to be true, while the antagonist is the angry and selfish person. But in this movie, it’s not like that. This is way more real, with the kinds of people that maybe we’ll encounter in our life.

My idea of good person is still something like the protagonist of Disney cartoons, since I watched Disney a lot when I was a kid. I wanted to be like them at the time. But as I grow up, I know that I’m not as kind as these characters. Of course I want to be a good person, but sometimes it is just hard to be kind all the time for me. I realize that I’m not an angel.

Sometimes I wonder whether I’m a good or bad person. Until now, I’m not sure. I don’t have the exact answer. Maybe none of us do. When I asked my friends whether they consider themselves good or bad people, they didn’t answer right away. It’s a tricky question when you ask it directly: are you a good person? But when we we’re asked about other people, we can easily answer it right away. We judge ourseves by what we think, not by what we do, while we judge others by what they do, and not what they think. Kinda complicated right? But sometimes, we judge other people wrong, because we don’t know what’s happening in their mind. I tell myself that everyone has their own issues, so I just try to be more understanding. I have this idea that actually everyone is good person. What we see in them is just a reaction to previous events. Sometimes we don’t know the story behind something that they do.

Deep down, I want to be considered as a good person. Well, no matter how people are, almost all the time they want to be on the protagonist’s side. They always want to be known as good person. But then I think of this character, April Ludgate of Parks and Recreation. She’s sarcastic, kinda evil, but funny! I adore her! I always try not to say mean things to people, but when I see April do it, it’s so funny! Maybe she is saying just the right amount of evilness, so it becomes so funny. This is a hard thing to do. But she is a kind person actually. She does help people. She is not 100% evil. I think nobody in this world is 100% evil or 100% kind. I just accept the fact that nobody is perfect.

I think one of my problems is maintaining my emotions. I don’t know how to maintain my emotions to be acceptable enough, not annoying. Sometimes I think that I tend to annoy people with my emotion bombs (I’m not proud of this). Sometimes I’ll feel super happy, but worry that maybe my happiness is annoying to other people. Sometimes I feel sad and I’ll stay quiet, because maybe my sadness would make others feel awkward. Also, sometimes I feel bad that I’m not helpful enough. I feel like a bad person for my laziness, for my selfishness, for my bad timing, for my bad manners. I’m afraid that I’ve become a bad person. I feel sorry for people who need to deal with this, because maybe it takes a lot to understand what’s going on in my mind.  I actually told my sister that I need a therapist for these feeling, but I got busy so I can’t see one now. But I know this website, 7 cups of tea, that helps. You find a listener there and you can just talk to them. I think I prefer this way because I stay anonymous, you know? So I can be 100% honest with my listener. Also, I met this amazing listener who helps me a lot. She is super understanding. It feels good to know that there are people out there who would help you, even for free.

Since I was a child people have always told me that I should be a good person. But sometimes that also means that we should meet their expectation of us to be considered as a good person, not our own. Sometimes there are misunderstandings here or there that makepeople think that we’re cruel or selfish. Actually, I always try my best to make everyone around me to be happy. But it’s hard to do all the time. So, no matter who you are, I’ll try to always judge you as a good person. I know that everyone is always just trying to function as a member of society, whcih is the best thing that everyone could do. Thank you for trying. 🙂